Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
