I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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