i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
