Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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