Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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