my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
