You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
