Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
you made out with another girl for some wings
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
