Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
