Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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