I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
