There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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