my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
