if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
