I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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