I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
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I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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