Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Randomize
