do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
