Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Randomize
