**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
