forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize