Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
