i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
