He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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