well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm having to shit out rocks
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