I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
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Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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