nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
