I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Drunk is a universal language darling
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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