Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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