After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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