god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
