Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
