don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
