her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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