No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
