we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
