Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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