you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
