i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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