I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Boobs are out for the taking
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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