Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
