new low.... made out with someone while peeing
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
