Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
