my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
