Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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