i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We have so much sex to catch up on
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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