Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
