Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You're like the curious george of whores
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
