"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
