He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
