I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
