why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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