in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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