i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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