walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
