Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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