conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
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