she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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